Privacy Policy

We know everything about you. Don't worry — we're not proud of it either.

At DeadAss (deadass.online), we take your privacy very seriously. Which is why we're going to be completely transparent about how we collect, use, and occasionally lose your data.

  1. Information We Collect. We collect whatever you give us: your name, email, thoughts, dreams, fears, and that embarrassing search history you thought was private. We also collect standard analytics data — pages visited, time spent, how many times you came back to re-read your own comment.
  2. Cookies. Yes, we use cookies. Not the delicious kind. The tracking kind. We use them to improve your experience, serve targeted ads, and judge your reading habits. If you don't like cookies, you can disable them in your browser settings. We won't be mad. We'll be disappointed.
  3. How We Use Your Data. We use your data to: (a) display personalized content, (b) send you our newsletter (if you signed up — why would you do that?), (c) power our n8n automation workflows, and (d) laugh at your location data when we see you're reading from a corporate IP address.
  4. n8n & Automation. Our n8n workflows process application forms, newsletter signups, and WhatsApp bot interactions. These workflows are hosted on secure servers. "Secure" in this context means "we put a password on it."
  5. Third-Party Services. We use analytics tools, ad networks, and social media platforms. These third parties have their own privacy policies. We recommend not reading them because they'll scare you more than our content does.
  6. Data Retention. We keep your data until we get bored of it. This could be 30 days. This could be 30 years. We'll let you know when we decide.
  7. Your Rights. You have the right to request access to your data. You have the right to request deletion. You have the right to be forgotten — though we can't promise Facebook will cooperate. To exercise any of these rights, email us at privacy@deadass.online.
  8. Data Breaches. If we get hacked (and let's be honest, it's probably a matter of time), we'll notify you in the most dramatic way possible — probably via a fake news article about it on our own site.

By using DeadAss, you consent to this Privacy Policy. If you don't consent, please close your browser and reflect on the life choices that brought you to a satirical news site reading the privacy policy.